It is officially December and the holiday season is upon us. Grrrrr. I just don't feel like it. I swear the older I get, the less I like Christmas and all the crap that goes with it.

It was so much more fun as a kid when you were dragged from place to place, party to party, scooping up as much loot as you possibly could. It was nice to see the cousins, there was always good food, and always the chance that you would get a present or two.

Now that I'm grown and a mom, I get to do all the work and get none of the fun. Christmas to me now is nothing but pressure. Pressure to get the presents bought and wrapped and hope that I got the right stuff; trip after trip to the store to acquire said presents all the while worrying if there is enough money to buy it all. I enjoy the parties, but they require trips to the store, wrapping, cooking. It's the leadup to parties I don't like. Once I'm there, with a glass of wine in hand I'm all good. I find that when people open the presents I've gotten them, I don't care. I don't care if they like it, wanted it, whatever. In the past, I used to take so much time to pick my Christmas gifts. I just loved it. I guess I had enough people open what I so carefully picked for them, and just toss it to the side never to be seen again that I do not invest as much of myself in the gift giving.

As for my kids, they have so much stuff, my house is bursting at the seams. We have instilled a rule that after Christmas, they have to give up one thing for each gift they were given. It helps but not enough. I also grew up going to Catholic school and all that it entailed. There isn't one in this area and my kids go to public school. There, they don't have a Christmas party, they have a "holiday party". The most Christmas-y they can get in song is Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. My kids don't know the words to "Away in a Manger" when it comes on the radio and that makes me sad. It's partially my fault. I don't get them to church near as often as I should but even if I did, the daily dose of Jesus and religion you get at a Catholic school cannot be replicated anywhere else. It hurts my heart that my kids are growing up without it. They will never be in a bathrobe playing a wise man in the Christmas play or have a Choral concert with nothing but religious songs. They look at me like I'm nuts because I can sing Adeste Fidelis...all the verses...all in Latin.

Huntley has been talking about going to year round school. If that happens, the kids will be headed for Catholic school even though that means a 20-30 minute ride to school every day. Maybe then I'll like Christmas more. I was going to go to the school board meeting to oppose it. Maybe I should just stay home and take my chances.

Happy Holidays.

Stupid people piss me off

I know it sounds like a twitter of Facebook status but it is so true. Stupid people piss me off!

Now I have friends who would consider me stupid for volunteering to do some of the things I do. I have heard the phrase "I told you so" more often than I care to admit. More often lately.

See, I volunteered to be the Transportation Committee Chair for my daughter's dance company. My thinking was that I would be sure to get the hotel I wanted when the group traveled. For the most part it hasn't been too bad. A little moaning here and there but nothing I can't handle. Until now.

The owner of our school is organizing a trip to Texas for the girls. Obviously this is a much larger trip than any of the overnights that I have planned this past year. The emails from parents started rolling in within 24 hours of the announcement of the trip. Mostly people trying to be helpful, though a couple of days to get things in order before doing your own research would have been nice, but whatever. Let it go.

A few days pass, I find and secure a fantastic deal at a hotel that fits 99.9% of the main requests of the group. I have spent countless hours on the phone, Internet, faxing, signing, contracts, blah blah blah. Once it is all approved by the owner of the dance company and finalized with the hotel, I send out an email to the entire group giving the details. Another few phone calls ensue because of booking issues, etc but not a lot of trouble. And then last night I get an email.

Someone in the group has done their own research and found a hotel and went ahead and blocked 10 rooms for our group but can get more if we want more. The hotel is DOUBLE the price of the other hotel, doesn't have some of the basic things I was asked to look for and because of the traditional setup, many families would have to book two rooms so for those families, this hotel is triple the price. But it is a "luxury" hotel.

Trust me..."luxury" hotel was not one of the requirements I was asked to find. Free breakfast? yes, Suites? Yes. Pool? Yes. Luxury?? Never even came up!

I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt and thought that maybe he hadn't received some of the original emails, but then I scrolled further down his email and realized that he had responded to my email giving the details of the hotel! Does he think I am going to keep track of his hotel? Am I supposed to send out the details to everyone?

I don't think so.

I'm done.

Time Flies

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been since I have updated my poor blog.

Unfortunately, months of dealing with computer issues, kids home for summer vacation, and more computer issues the blog got dropped.

The funny thing is that in my mind, it has post after post on it. I make posts in my head all the time I just don't type them here! I wish I could remember what all of them were because it would give me lots of fodder for the next few weeks. :)

Hopefully I will do a better job of this, but since I still don't have a computer I can't make any promises.

Gullible

Maybe it's because she's a girl that I worry more about her than the boys. It's hard to tell since she's my only girl.

For such a beautiful and (sometimes) sweet thing, she has some terrible self-esteem. On top of that, she is way too trusting. She'll believe anything someone she considers a friend, tells her. It's a recipe for disaster that has burned her many times in the past.

It's reared its ugly head again today, but the difference is that instead of feeling that is a life lesson, I'm pissed because she was totally taken advantage of by an older kid she looks up to. It sucks.

So....

For Easter, my fabulous Aunts hide Easter eggs for the kids. Inside them is money. Each kid gets to find about a dozen eggs and ends up with ten bucks. Not bad for 20 minutes work. Meg took this money to school with her yesterday. Why??? Who knows. It's the mystery of Meghan. But probably to show off.

She shows it to her seatmate Hailey, on the bus. Hailey is a fifth grader. Meghan sits with her since an incident on the bus where a lovely boy was holding her and kicking her leg telling her he was going to break it. She left the bus sobbing with a huge welt and bruise on her thigh. Normally a 2nd grader wouldn't sit with a 5th grader but I think the bus driver did it to protect her.

Anyway.... all I hear about is Hailey. Hailey helps her with her reading, Hailey helped me do my Math, Hailey quizzed me on my spelling words, Hailey, Hailey Hailey.....

You get my drift.

So apparently Meg shows her the Easter money yesterday on the bus and Hailey tells her she just got a doll that had another smaller doll with it. Meghan tells her that if she doesn't want it, she'll take it and fabulous Hailey tells her that she can buy it for the low low price of just $4. I know none of this until Meg walks into the bathroom I am cleaning and tells me the story and asks if I'm mad.

Well of course I want to see what her $4 has purchased and she pulls out from behind her back a troll doll that is MAYBE an inch high. For four dollars.

Then she starts bawling. She said that she paid her yesterday (sight unseen) and when she got the doll today, she was really upset. Meghan told her she didn't like the doll and wanted her money but of course Hailey did not have it anymore.

So what was my response you ask? I told her to tell Hailey she wants her phone number because her mom is really upset and wants to talk to Hailey's mom.

What do you think?

Normally I am a "life lesson" person, but I just can't tolerate this. It's just mean.

At the same time, when is Meghan going to learn her lesson??? People are not nice. They just aren't. Especially kids. Yet she never stops trying to be a people pleaser and doing anything to get them to like her. It makes me nuts especially considering that is so opposite my personality.

My fear is that this will not go away. When she gets older, the peer pressure becomes worse and more dangerous. I fear that she will allow some boy to pressure her into sex when she isn't ready. I fear her friends will be able to get her to drink or worse when it's not what she really wants to do. A million things have been going through my head the last few months regarding Meghan. I hope I am being silly, overreacting, whatever. Please tell me that I am.

Please.

Maybe the Recession isn't such a bad thing....

I know most people would think that I was crazy to say that, but I really believe it's true. Now B and I are struggling like most people. For heaven's sake, he's in the mortgage business so you know we're not exactly rolling in dough right now!

But at the same time, we got so comfortable before. Going out shopping was like a sport. I remember when the mortgage crisis first began, Meghan said to me while getting dressed for school "I just want to wear something I have to take the tags off!" Meaning I hadn't bought her anything new in a while and it wasn't something she was used to. I was so pissed. I thought she was being a total spoiled brat, and she was. But I had created that monster.

Over the last couple years, I thought I had broken her of this spoiled nonsense, but apparently not. A couple of Sundays ago, after church (yes mom, I went to church!) Meg asked if we could go to the big mall (aka: Woodfield) and do some shopping. She said she wanted some alone time with me. *insert eye roll*

Being the fantastic mother I am (and not wanting to lay around all day) I agreed to go. We had a really pleasant afternoon of wandering the mall and looking at stuff. I let her lead the way and go wherever she wanted. Towards the end of the afternoon, I wanted to head into H&M to look around. While there, Meghan found a few really cute (and cheap) things that she wanted me to buy her. I told that I couldn't buy her anything, but that she had enough money on her to buy them herself. She informed me that she REALLY wanted a new Webkinz so how about she buy that, and I buy the clothes. A born salesperson already.... That got shot down quickly. I told her she had to make a tough decision but could only get the clothes or the Webkinz.

She called Caden from the dressing room to see if there was a Lil'Kinz in the animal she wanted. (For those that don't know, a lil'kinz is a downsized webkinz and only $10 instead of $15). It didn't. Big decision still looming. We decided to walk around the store for a bit while she thought about it. While looking around, she peeks in her purse and says, "Mommy, I found another $10!" "Great!" I say. "Now you can get all the clothes you wanted and a Webkinz."

So we head to the register to pay. The total would have been $21 minus tax. But then the tax hit and she had to use a fiver to pay. She was pissed. Telling me she didn't understand why she had to pay tax (that makes two of us) and it wasn't fair. Now she wouldn't be able to get the webkinz. So I tell her, if you are a dollar or two short, I will make up the difference. Nice mommy, right?

We leave the store hand in hand, everyone happy. As we are heading towards Hallmark to buy the webkinz, I reach into my coat pocket where my phone was and notice something. The $10 bill I had in my pocket is missing. Hmmm...... interesting how my daughter happened to find ten bucks at such a fortuitous time! Oh, man was I mad. I stalked right out of that mall and to the car with Meghan following me the whole time whining about her Webkinz.

Once we get in the car, it finally dawns on her that we were NOT getting the Webkinz. I guess it takes the 7 year old brain awhile to compute this stuff. Then the screaming and waterworks start. Oh man, I could have killed her! But the best is yet to come. . . She asks to call her father to narc on me and how bad of a mother I am. Sure, sweetie...have at it. I hand her my phone and she calls him. The whining does nothing so she hangs up on him. So, I'm not taking her bait. I'm not yelling or screaming, not getting upset, nothing. So she goes for the jugular at the first opening.

I tell her, "I can't just buy you everything you want."
Meg - "I don't know why not. Everyone else gets whatever they want!"
Me - "That's not true."
Meg - "I don't know why we have to be poor JUST BECAUSE YOU WON'T GO GET A JOB!"

Now I don't generally let my kids hurt my feelings. They can say they hate me and I'm mean, blah blah blah and it doesn't bother me at all, but that one comment really got to me. I mean, what the fuck am I doing this for??? Why did I give up my career and my life, just to raise a bunch of little fucking brats???? How much this hurt my feelings really surprised me. I struggled to not cry because that's what she wanted. To hurt me. It worked. I know that someday she will realize she was lucky even though now it feels like a burden. Someday she will understand how much a woman sacrifices to stay at home with her children. Someday she will appreciate she got a different type of everything, that had nothing to do with money.

Oh Plo! I'm so sorry. Word cannot express how I feel.

When I realized what was happening, I ran so fast to your house, in heels :), that I got a stitch in my side. I don't run for just anybody!

I was so scared for you and the kids. I still am.

To see you so calm, cracking the usual Paula jokes and greeting everyone you knew, it made my heart ache.

I wish there was more i could do.

I wish I could make it so it never happened.

I wish we could all un-see the images of last night.

I hope the insurance company is fast and fair.

I hope your kids aren't traumatized.

I hope you can come back home soon.

I pray for you every day.

I love you my friend.

The Shine is off the Shamrock

St. Patrick's Day has always been one of my favorite days. As an Irish-American, we have always been taught to love and be proud of our heritage...and I am!

I spent many drunken years at the South Side Irish Parade. After seeing one too many exposed private parts peeing on the side of bars with my children along, we stopped attending. Maybe we'll go again once I can raise a Guinness with my kids!

I decorate for 3 holidays each year...Christmas, Halloween and St. Patty's Day. Easter doesn't even make the cut (something about all those bunnies disturbes me).

So it was a natural progression for my only daughter to take Irish Dance lessons. When she was asked this year to join the performance group, I was delighted. I thought about how fun this season was going to be. She got her dress and we couldn't wait for it all to begin.

Now I just keep thinking my life will begin again after St. Patricks Day.


I even had a mom of one of her friends call me and ask if her daughter had done something wrong that Meg couldn't have a play date and didn't return her calls. I just laughed and said that it was simply that I have an Irish Dancer and it is one week before St. Patricks Day!


I'm exhausted and I'm not dancing. With the beautiful weather, Meg was in flip-flops and I could see the healing blisters and calluses on her feet. I can only imagine how happy she'll be to have this particular season end. Hopefully it will better next year when we know what to expect. This has been a steep learning curve for us.

I still love watching her dance. I am so proud at how far she has come in just a year and a half. I can just imagine the dancer she will become over the next few years. It makes me a little jealous but just beaming with pride that my daughter is out there in front of all those people with such poise.

(This is not her...someday)

Someday St. Patrick's Day will once again be a big drunken party but for now I'm going to try and enjoy sharing this small piece of our heritage with the world!

Ok, so I found one of the coolest freebie websites in a long time. This lovely lady from texas is GIVING AWAY actions she has created for photoshop. Her blog is called Coffeshop and she is one talented lady. When I watch the computer do its magic, I can't imagine how someone makes it happen!

I'm giddy. Seriously. I have been playing around all day.

So here are some before and afters using an action called Honey Retro:

Before

After:

Before:

I think Meghan's eyes look really cool in this one.

After

Isn't she cute? I just love the artsy look this action gives the picture.

I have been so bad about getting good pics of the kids lately. Hopefully my new toys will give me inspiration to take more pictures of them.

When did I get trapped in a movie?

I am living with Marley.

I'm not kidding. Shamrock is nuts. I feel like its never going to get better. She's been horrible this winter. I think she is suffering from the same cabin fever the kids get. Since she has no one to argue and fight with, she wreaks havoc upon my home.

Here's her latest:

That is my bedroom carpet. I've been wanting new, but I kinda figured I'd be able to pick WHEN I got it!

Next....

What's this you ask?

That would be the line that runs underground from my sump pump to the drain.

Why is it uncovered?

I betcha you can guess. . . That's right, Shamrock. After she pulled the hose out of the house we had to make a temporary fix. This is it:

Pretty, huh? Since the water dumps in the same place, it created a small hole which Shamrock has made increasingly larger. Now it is her personal, muddy watering hole.

This is what she looks like after she's been playing in the mess:

Still not convinced I'm living with Marley? Well, here's my couch:

She has been suffering from an undiagnosed bladder infection. Before the medication, she was up at least once during the night for a potty break. She could go 4 hours tops...at 10 months old. Since November, I have cleaned up more pee than when Caden was potty training! Thankfully after a few days of the medication, that's starting to get better. My bedroom hasn't been her personal toilet in about 3 days! Progress!!!

I've lost:

• curtains,
• pillows (bed and throw),
• a comforter,
• 2 blankets (including the one a college friend quilted for my wedding),
• endless rolls of toilet paper and kleenex,
• the kids homework (imagine writing that note to the teacher!),
• stuffed animals,
• barbies,
• shoes,
• webkinz (and those suckers are expensive),
• brushes
• my hardwood is warped in about 5 spots due to pee not caught quickly enough
• my (brand new) glass have bite marks and scratches
• my DEBIT CARD for God's sake! The little credit card slider thing at Target won't even accept it because of the bite mark!

(Notice how all this is plural??)

I've had enough!!! Even Guiness, the devil dog, was never this bad! The problem is she's so damn cute and snuggly. She knows when she's pushed you to the brink and then she turns her pretty golden eyes up at you and then the melting occurs.

Someday she's going to be a great dog...someday.

Someday can't come soon enough!!

Hope

I guess that is the one word that personifies how I feel today. Other people I know have been able to phrase all of this much more eloquently than I am able. I guess it feels to mushy for me, but today, I feel hopeful.

There is a new family in the White House. They are young and in touch with real people. They are not career politicians. They have a family and young children. I hope that they will be able to address the concerns that I have since they are in a similar position. (except for the mansion, the millions, the security....you get the idea! (= ) They worry about good schools, getting their girls into college, juggling a crazy life!

I have hope that other nations will no longer look at this country I love like the goo on the bottom of their shoes. I have hope that we will once again be admired around the world for our sense of justice and doing the right thing. I have confidence this country voted to do the right thing.

I do not have a sense of hope in the opposition. I know they will relentlessly attack, as they have already shown. I do not have hope that they will allow Obama to do the job he was elected to do. I fear they will strike him down at every opportunity, just because. I do not have hope that those that judge him by the color of his skin. I fear they will continue to do just that and use it as a weapon to try and tear him down.

I have hope that we as a country won't allow it to happen.

Good luck President Obama. I place my trust in you.

Just testing my new background.

Boy, Did I screw up!

So we've gone and done something I thought I would never do. (No Eileen, I'm no pregnant again!)

B and I have stepped in at school and our asking Meg to be transfered to another classroom for the rest of the year.

Oh Lord I hope I have done the right thing.

My heart is telling me I am, but my head is saying maybe we should have stuck it out a little longer.

The problem is that it isn't ME sticking it out. It's her. It's her that cries when it's time to go to school. It's her that is feeling beat down and unliked. It's her that is losing ground so fast that I'm afraid that there isn't enough time left in the school year to make it up.

It's all on her and her little 7 year old shoulders.

So it was time for mom and dad to step in. We put it off hoping things would get better. Hoping her real teacher would come back quickly. But circumstances this week have shown us that it doesn't matter if her teacher comes back in a week. The damage is done and we no longer have any confidence in that room...regardless of who is standing in front of it. Too much time wasted. Too many bad things and memories.

It is time for her to get a fresh start with someone who understands her and can help.

I feel so guilty. My Meg can be a bit of a drama queen. We thought a lot of this was an act or embellished but when the proof is looking you in the face, you have to believe. Could I, should I have done something sooner. We thought we were teaching her a life lesson about getting a long with different personalities, coping with difficult situations and making the best of it. But in the end, have we managed to really fuck her up?

I seriously wonder if she will be allowed to 3rd grade at this point. Is that my fault?

I guess I can only do the best I can with what I know now but it really doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I failed my little girl and my heart is breaking.

What kind of mother am I?