Expanding my horizons

For Mothers Day my husband and kids got me a Canon XS DSLR. It was the camera I'd been coveting for awhile though any DSLR would have made me happy. For the past several months I have been using my fancy big camera in much the same way I used my crappy little point and shoot just with a better lens. In my defense, our summers are crazy busy with dance and baseball and softball so getting good shots of the kids in their activities was my main goal. I consider that, for the most part, achieved. I created my first ever photo scrapbook for Caden's baseball team and I'm really proud of the end result though I did find some mistakes once I had it in my hands.

So now summer is winding down and the kids are heading back to school in 4 more days! I haven't picked up my camera much during the entire month of August. I wanted to take pics of the kids at a local park in the hopes of blowing one up big and framing it but the heat was really bad coupled with my insecurity of being able to capture what I wanted. Every day was too sunny, too hot, too cloudy... you get the picture.

So I decided to talk my friend Colleen into taking a class at the local college with me. Due to our schedules, however, a sit down classroom class was just out of the question so our class is online. Today is day 2 of a 12 lesson course. I haven't looked at it just yet but the first lesson was pretty easy to understand and follow so I have high hopes for the upcoming lessons. What I'm hoping most to learn is how to use lighting to my advantage instead of always fighting against it!

So expect to see some pics over the next few weeks of random stuff that will be the assignments for my class. Wish me luck!

Pity Party

So Eileen is bugging me to write a new post as it has been since Christmas!

All I have to say is WELCOME TO MY PITY PARTY!!!

I am having a really bad day, bad couple of days really, and it has dropped me into a terrible funk. I'm having a few days where, the harder I try to do everything I need to do, the more stuff gets left behind. Accidentally of course.

I am feeling pressure from so many different angles and I'm having a seriously difficult time prioritizing. As usual though, my poor kids get the shaft.

It starts with the little things like forgetting to give them their $3 for the last Dippin' Dots day of the year, forgetting to have B where a hat to school for Cat in the Hat day.

Then we progress to the middle where I forget about a book report until the night before its due, miss a volunteer day, or forget a to RSVP to a birthday party.

Lately though, has been more serious such as forgetting to pick up a girl from her babysitter and take her to dance. And the worst, messing up the email chain and not taking Meghan to a rehearsal for the 4 performances coming up this Saturday. As a result, she can't dance in any of them. She's crying, I'm crying because she's so upset and its my fault. Nothing worse than the weekend before St. Patty's day and an Irish dancer who isn't allowed to dance.

Add to that all the other miscellaneous little things that I have to do and haven't done or have forgotten about like
-bookclub at my house Friday
-the upstairs bathroom is tore apart
-I need to find a restaurant in San Antonio that will be able to host 60-80 people
-3 baseball/softball schedules coming in that I need to coordinate
-4 birthday parties in the next 2 weekends
-2 NCAA Tournament pools we need to run (one for Baseball, one for dance)
-Have to book the Wisconsin hotel rooms for dance (I am the travel secretary)

Oh and don't forget that starting Friday, I will be working full-time until spring break for the first time in 10 years!

Please, pray for me and I hope you had a good time at my Pity Party. See you in July!!

It is officially December and the holiday season is upon us. Grrrrr. I just don't feel like it. I swear the older I get, the less I like Christmas and all the crap that goes with it.

It was so much more fun as a kid when you were dragged from place to place, party to party, scooping up as much loot as you possibly could. It was nice to see the cousins, there was always good food, and always the chance that you would get a present or two.

Now that I'm grown and a mom, I get to do all the work and get none of the fun. Christmas to me now is nothing but pressure. Pressure to get the presents bought and wrapped and hope that I got the right stuff; trip after trip to the store to acquire said presents all the while worrying if there is enough money to buy it all. I enjoy the parties, but they require trips to the store, wrapping, cooking. It's the leadup to parties I don't like. Once I'm there, with a glass of wine in hand I'm all good. I find that when people open the presents I've gotten them, I don't care. I don't care if they like it, wanted it, whatever. In the past, I used to take so much time to pick my Christmas gifts. I just loved it. I guess I had enough people open what I so carefully picked for them, and just toss it to the side never to be seen again that I do not invest as much of myself in the gift giving.

As for my kids, they have so much stuff, my house is bursting at the seams. We have instilled a rule that after Christmas, they have to give up one thing for each gift they were given. It helps but not enough. I also grew up going to Catholic school and all that it entailed. There isn't one in this area and my kids go to public school. There, they don't have a Christmas party, they have a "holiday party". The most Christmas-y they can get in song is Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. My kids don't know the words to "Away in a Manger" when it comes on the radio and that makes me sad. It's partially my fault. I don't get them to church near as often as I should but even if I did, the daily dose of Jesus and religion you get at a Catholic school cannot be replicated anywhere else. It hurts my heart that my kids are growing up without it. They will never be in a bathrobe playing a wise man in the Christmas play or have a Choral concert with nothing but religious songs. They look at me like I'm nuts because I can sing Adeste Fidelis...all the verses...all in Latin.

Huntley has been talking about going to year round school. If that happens, the kids will be headed for Catholic school even though that means a 20-30 minute ride to school every day. Maybe then I'll like Christmas more. I was going to go to the school board meeting to oppose it. Maybe I should just stay home and take my chances.

Happy Holidays.

Stupid people piss me off

I know it sounds like a twitter of Facebook status but it is so true. Stupid people piss me off!

Now I have friends who would consider me stupid for volunteering to do some of the things I do. I have heard the phrase "I told you so" more often than I care to admit. More often lately.

See, I volunteered to be the Transportation Committee Chair for my daughter's dance company. My thinking was that I would be sure to get the hotel I wanted when the group traveled. For the most part it hasn't been too bad. A little moaning here and there but nothing I can't handle. Until now.

The owner of our school is organizing a trip to Texas for the girls. Obviously this is a much larger trip than any of the overnights that I have planned this past year. The emails from parents started rolling in within 24 hours of the announcement of the trip. Mostly people trying to be helpful, though a couple of days to get things in order before doing your own research would have been nice, but whatever. Let it go.

A few days pass, I find and secure a fantastic deal at a hotel that fits 99.9% of the main requests of the group. I have spent countless hours on the phone, Internet, faxing, signing, contracts, blah blah blah. Once it is all approved by the owner of the dance company and finalized with the hotel, I send out an email to the entire group giving the details. Another few phone calls ensue because of booking issues, etc but not a lot of trouble. And then last night I get an email.

Someone in the group has done their own research and found a hotel and went ahead and blocked 10 rooms for our group but can get more if we want more. The hotel is DOUBLE the price of the other hotel, doesn't have some of the basic things I was asked to look for and because of the traditional setup, many families would have to book two rooms so for those families, this hotel is triple the price. But it is a "luxury" hotel.

Trust me..."luxury" hotel was not one of the requirements I was asked to find. Free breakfast? yes, Suites? Yes. Pool? Yes. Luxury?? Never even came up!

I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt and thought that maybe he hadn't received some of the original emails, but then I scrolled further down his email and realized that he had responded to my email giving the details of the hotel! Does he think I am going to keep track of his hotel? Am I supposed to send out the details to everyone?

I don't think so.

I'm done.

Time Flies

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been since I have updated my poor blog.

Unfortunately, months of dealing with computer issues, kids home for summer vacation, and more computer issues the blog got dropped.

The funny thing is that in my mind, it has post after post on it. I make posts in my head all the time I just don't type them here! I wish I could remember what all of them were because it would give me lots of fodder for the next few weeks. :)

Hopefully I will do a better job of this, but since I still don't have a computer I can't make any promises.

Gullible

Maybe it's because she's a girl that I worry more about her than the boys. It's hard to tell since she's my only girl.

For such a beautiful and (sometimes) sweet thing, she has some terrible self-esteem. On top of that, she is way too trusting. She'll believe anything someone she considers a friend, tells her. It's a recipe for disaster that has burned her many times in the past.

It's reared its ugly head again today, but the difference is that instead of feeling that is a life lesson, I'm pissed because she was totally taken advantage of by an older kid she looks up to. It sucks.

So....

For Easter, my fabulous Aunts hide Easter eggs for the kids. Inside them is money. Each kid gets to find about a dozen eggs and ends up with ten bucks. Not bad for 20 minutes work. Meg took this money to school with her yesterday. Why??? Who knows. It's the mystery of Meghan. But probably to show off.

She shows it to her seatmate Hailey, on the bus. Hailey is a fifth grader. Meghan sits with her since an incident on the bus where a lovely boy was holding her and kicking her leg telling her he was going to break it. She left the bus sobbing with a huge welt and bruise on her thigh. Normally a 2nd grader wouldn't sit with a 5th grader but I think the bus driver did it to protect her.

Anyway.... all I hear about is Hailey. Hailey helps her with her reading, Hailey helped me do my Math, Hailey quizzed me on my spelling words, Hailey, Hailey Hailey.....

You get my drift.

So apparently Meg shows her the Easter money yesterday on the bus and Hailey tells her she just got a doll that had another smaller doll with it. Meghan tells her that if she doesn't want it, she'll take it and fabulous Hailey tells her that she can buy it for the low low price of just $4. I know none of this until Meg walks into the bathroom I am cleaning and tells me the story and asks if I'm mad.

Well of course I want to see what her $4 has purchased and she pulls out from behind her back a troll doll that is MAYBE an inch high. For four dollars.

Then she starts bawling. She said that she paid her yesterday (sight unseen) and when she got the doll today, she was really upset. Meghan told her she didn't like the doll and wanted her money but of course Hailey did not have it anymore.

So what was my response you ask? I told her to tell Hailey she wants her phone number because her mom is really upset and wants to talk to Hailey's mom.

What do you think?

Normally I am a "life lesson" person, but I just can't tolerate this. It's just mean.

At the same time, when is Meghan going to learn her lesson??? People are not nice. They just aren't. Especially kids. Yet she never stops trying to be a people pleaser and doing anything to get them to like her. It makes me nuts especially considering that is so opposite my personality.

My fear is that this will not go away. When she gets older, the peer pressure becomes worse and more dangerous. I fear that she will allow some boy to pressure her into sex when she isn't ready. I fear her friends will be able to get her to drink or worse when it's not what she really wants to do. A million things have been going through my head the last few months regarding Meghan. I hope I am being silly, overreacting, whatever. Please tell me that I am.

Please.

Maybe the Recession isn't such a bad thing....

I know most people would think that I was crazy to say that, but I really believe it's true. Now B and I are struggling like most people. For heaven's sake, he's in the mortgage business so you know we're not exactly rolling in dough right now!

But at the same time, we got so comfortable before. Going out shopping was like a sport. I remember when the mortgage crisis first began, Meghan said to me while getting dressed for school "I just want to wear something I have to take the tags off!" Meaning I hadn't bought her anything new in a while and it wasn't something she was used to. I was so pissed. I thought she was being a total spoiled brat, and she was. But I had created that monster.

Over the last couple years, I thought I had broken her of this spoiled nonsense, but apparently not. A couple of Sundays ago, after church (yes mom, I went to church!) Meg asked if we could go to the big mall (aka: Woodfield) and do some shopping. She said she wanted some alone time with me. *insert eye roll*

Being the fantastic mother I am (and not wanting to lay around all day) I agreed to go. We had a really pleasant afternoon of wandering the mall and looking at stuff. I let her lead the way and go wherever she wanted. Towards the end of the afternoon, I wanted to head into H&M to look around. While there, Meghan found a few really cute (and cheap) things that she wanted me to buy her. I told that I couldn't buy her anything, but that she had enough money on her to buy them herself. She informed me that she REALLY wanted a new Webkinz so how about she buy that, and I buy the clothes. A born salesperson already.... That got shot down quickly. I told her she had to make a tough decision but could only get the clothes or the Webkinz.

She called Caden from the dressing room to see if there was a Lil'Kinz in the animal she wanted. (For those that don't know, a lil'kinz is a downsized webkinz and only $10 instead of $15). It didn't. Big decision still looming. We decided to walk around the store for a bit while she thought about it. While looking around, she peeks in her purse and says, "Mommy, I found another $10!" "Great!" I say. "Now you can get all the clothes you wanted and a Webkinz."

So we head to the register to pay. The total would have been $21 minus tax. But then the tax hit and she had to use a fiver to pay. She was pissed. Telling me she didn't understand why she had to pay tax (that makes two of us) and it wasn't fair. Now she wouldn't be able to get the webkinz. So I tell her, if you are a dollar or two short, I will make up the difference. Nice mommy, right?

We leave the store hand in hand, everyone happy. As we are heading towards Hallmark to buy the webkinz, I reach into my coat pocket where my phone was and notice something. The $10 bill I had in my pocket is missing. Hmmm...... interesting how my daughter happened to find ten bucks at such a fortuitous time! Oh, man was I mad. I stalked right out of that mall and to the car with Meghan following me the whole time whining about her Webkinz.

Once we get in the car, it finally dawns on her that we were NOT getting the Webkinz. I guess it takes the 7 year old brain awhile to compute this stuff. Then the screaming and waterworks start. Oh man, I could have killed her! But the best is yet to come. . . She asks to call her father to narc on me and how bad of a mother I am. Sure, sweetie...have at it. I hand her my phone and she calls him. The whining does nothing so she hangs up on him. So, I'm not taking her bait. I'm not yelling or screaming, not getting upset, nothing. So she goes for the jugular at the first opening.

I tell her, "I can't just buy you everything you want."
Meg - "I don't know why not. Everyone else gets whatever they want!"
Me - "That's not true."
Meg - "I don't know why we have to be poor JUST BECAUSE YOU WON'T GO GET A JOB!"

Now I don't generally let my kids hurt my feelings. They can say they hate me and I'm mean, blah blah blah and it doesn't bother me at all, but that one comment really got to me. I mean, what the fuck am I doing this for??? Why did I give up my career and my life, just to raise a bunch of little fucking brats???? How much this hurt my feelings really surprised me. I struggled to not cry because that's what she wanted. To hurt me. It worked. I know that someday she will realize she was lucky even though now it feels like a burden. Someday she will understand how much a woman sacrifices to stay at home with her children. Someday she will appreciate she got a different type of everything, that had nothing to do with money.