Who am I?

To be honest with you, this is a question I have been wrestling with for a couple of years now. Almost exactly 8 years ago, I became a mother. My oldest son will be 8 on January 13. For ages, being a mother was my identity. As my first two kids have started school, I'm been feeling a little lost. As they get older, I see my role in their lives changing. They no longer need me to feed them, change them and basically supply their daily physical necessities. I know they still need me, just in other less clingy ways and I'm thrilled. But in the meantime, I have a lot of free "mental" time. When the kids were babies, there was no time to read my email, let alone write a blog or do self reflection...and its freakin' me out a little.

Since some that may actually read this do not necessarily know me, I will fill in a little background. I have been married to my husband B for 10 years now. We have had a lot of ups and downs in the last 10 years but we seem to be in a pretty good spot right now and I'm really thankful for that. I swore before God and my family that we would be together forever and we are both doing our best to live up to that vow.

We have been blessed with 3 fantastic kids. Caden is my oldest at (nearly) 8. Meghan is my only girl and she is 6. Considering I swear she already has PMS and we butt heads like two rams during mating season, a lot of this blog may very well be dedicated to her! My little guy is Branden and he is 3. He is both the funniest of my kids as well as the most annoying. It may be have something to do with the amount of time we spend with just the two of us.

We live in the far Northwest Burbs of Chicago. I am originally from the Southside, so this is "the place where Jesus lost his sandals" as my family likes to tell me. I do with I lived closer (we're a little over an hour away), but I've lived this way for 9 years. Get over it. Seriously. I really like it out here. I have met a lot of fabulous people that I now have the privledge of calling my friends. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

So that's my life in a nutshell. Exciting, huh? I am happy with my life, but things are changing. Hopefully for the good.

Why are things changing? Well unless you have been in the jungles of central america for the last year, you know that the mortgage/housing industry has gone down the drain. My husband is one of the casualties. He's a mortgage guy. So my cushie life as a stay at home mom is being transformed. Once upon a time, I was a teacher. I quit that life when my first bun was in the oven and haven't looked back. Well, I am now attempting to be a substitute teacher at a couple different districts in the area. It's actually a good way to get my feet wet considering that I have stayed at home, longer than I was a teacher. I am actually taking some continuing ed courses as well in an attempt to make myself more marketable in an attempt to get a job over the summer. Wish me luck...I need it. So going into these classrooms and running them efficiently has actually been a real self-esteem boost for me. Being a mom of 3 really helps run a classroom of 28. It's easier for me now than it was back when I was 23, that's for sure. There is nothing like real life experience! So this is what has my head all twisted around. I'm having some serious guilt issues dropping my 3 year old off at the daycare center...especially since the other two had me full time. I also feel a little guilty that I'm happy to drop him off and go somewhere that I feel "useful". From what I hear, this is pretty standard stuff for working mothers and I hope that it goes away soon, because I think I really like being back at work. My head knows that it doesn't make me a bad mom, but my heart keeps telling me that I need to be at home. Unfortunately, that isn't an option right now so it makes the decision to get up and go every day a little easier on me.

Well that's plenty long enough for post number 2! I'll try and find a happier medium next time!